Random // The Creek.

Have you ever woken up and started doing your daily chores in expectation of nothing but boredom and then, you see a bunch of migratory birds flying over a creek.

I’ve been crossing a creek.

It’s been 3 years.

Daily. To get to college.

And its so beatiful out there.

I remember fearing it.

While i was in the peak of my anxiety, but now,

it calms me down.

It gives me hope.

Another day is here.

The wind blows,

The birds fly,

And you continue to live,

To cherish the 8 minutes while you cross the creek.

It’s just the most calming moment in my day.

It makes me smile and cherish,

the days I’ve been spending.

The creek supports life.

Fish, Birds,

But somehow it manages to support mine too.

This is, my creek.

My motivation.

Random // Restart.

Remember the storm,

The one i was stuck in.

I wasn’t stuck in it,

I was the storm.

We try to bring peace,

In our heads,

All you have to do,

Is disconnect and leave.

It’s scary, i know.

But you have to cherish,

Every blemish,

Every storm,

Why?

Because imagine being no one around you.

Take that emptiness,

Think of it as freeing people,

From the hands of you.

Give them their happiness.

Walk away.

Without trace.

Give them reasons, justified.

You can’t let your anxiety take over,

Ripping every grass like a lawn mower,

Just be barren.

Embrace barrenness,

Till someone embraces you,

And helps you grow,

Or maybe you find someone.

But it will be you,

The only one.

When the queen dies,

The beehive collapses.

You are the queen,

You are the beehive.

Everyone moves on,

You’ll have to too.

It’ll take you months or years,

You’ll get something irreplaceable in the end,

You.

Alone, not attached to anyone.

That’s when you go back,

Press restart.

Mental health update?

Imagine being trapped,

In a box,

An endless… box.

The farther you go, the darker it gets,

It get’s worser.

You try to scream,

So loud, you cannot be heard.

All you do is cry and calm yourself,

Put a smile on that fucking face of yours and…

Continue being trapped.

This is my depression.

Hey, long time no see right? Pretty much. Yeah.

It’s 1:15AM and I’ve never felt lonelier. I’ve never had a lot of friends ever. But now, I do, but, I feel lonlier. Everyone is doing stuff with their friends. Maybe going out on vacations, or even something small like meeting them regularly. My mental heath is getting worser day by day and I don’t know what to do. My depressions back but there nothing I can do about it. I just feel like falling in a hole of nothingness. Endless hole. I don’t have anyone who I could go places with. I can’t talk to anyone since everyones so busy and so far away. Meeting my friends regularly is literally impossible. I’ve been lonely in school and many other places in my life, but this is something else. This is something I can’t overcome. I’m just a backup. I feel like a backup. I’m never the first option for comsideration. I’ve never stayed out after 10:00 PM at night, I’m never a priority. I’ve never had anyone to accompany me anywhere I’ve gone, to the gym, to any class, I don’t have anyone now, too. I’m tired of being alone, but I can’t help it. I have close friends, but I don’t feel it’s mutual anymore. They’ve found new friends, maybe even closer. No one does things I want to do. It’s been 3 months of vacations and all i wanted to do is go to a place, very nearby from where I live, no one has the time. Or, no one wants to go, with me. It breaks me. Every time. I have to ask people whether they’d want to like, go hangout? No one does. This loneliness is killing me and i hope someone was there. I feel trapped. I want to get out. I can’t. My depressions back as I said. My anxiety’s back, too. Add some loneliness to it and bamm. I wish someone lived near me, so I could explore and express. I’m just being eaten from the inside and no one knows it and I can’t do it anymore. I cry while i write this but I feel lonely and I can’t help it. I don’t know what to do, where to go…

 

60 Questions You Aren’t Used To.

Hey, long time no see, right? I guess it’s two months. I saw this thread on Instagram/Tumblr. 64 questions you aren’t used to. I cut it down to 60. Credits to – Fueledbyjyler. All the questions are made by him/her. I saw them on Instagram and found them very interesting. Credits to him/her.

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

Ans. No.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

Ans.2.

3. The person you’d never want to meet.

Ans.A group of friends. Even glimpses of them give me major anxiety. I’ve run back home, being out of breathe but I didn’t stop. I saw one of them crossing me, even though rhe person didn’t notice me.

4. What is your favourite word?

Ans. Moist. Moist. Moist. Moist.

5. If you’d be a tree, which tree would you like to be?

Ans. Eucalyptus or a cactus. Either.

6. When you looked into the mirror this morning, what was the first thing you thought?

Ans. Aahh, I’ll have to shave. I’m so sleepy. Oh, a new pimple, that’s unexpected.

7. Which shirt are you wearing?

Ans. A dark blue polo shirt thingy.

8. What do you label yourself as?

Ans. Blunt, shy, introverted, straight forward, detached yet emotional. A collection of ironies.

9. What were you doing at midnight
last night?

Ans. I was writing stuff, which I might release in near future, having my meds and doing relaxation exercises.

10. Favorite age you’ve been so far?
Ans. 16. I mean, I turned 17 just 3 weeks ago. The last year, when I was 16, has been an emotional ride, but it made me a good person altogether.

11. Who told you they loved you last?

Ans. My best friend. Hahaha, yes.

12. Your worst enemy?

Ans. Me, when I get pissed or angry. I turn into my destructive mode. Destroying everyone, even myself. I don’t like it, but I cannot help it. But hey, I’m working on it okay?

13. What is your current phone wallpaper?

Ans. A picture of my best friend and me, so that I feel motivated and don’t kill myself. Literally.

14. Do you like someone?

Ans.Yes.

15. The last song you listened to?

Ans. Homesick, Dua Lipa.

16. You can press a button that Will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Ans. Honestly, a lot of people around me. But specifically bullies who haven’t realise the effect their words and actions have on others lives.

17. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Ans. A huge part of my past, my exes. Despite of giving them a lot of credits for making me the person I am today, I’d still punch them in their faces.

18. lf anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

Ans. I don’t know is that legal lmao. But yeah honestly, no one. I like to have control over 100/100 things i do.

19. What is your best physical attribute?

Ans. Jawline. I hope. People tell me it is.

20. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

Ans. I’d feel my boobs and fondle with them. Masturbate and stuff. I’d look very similar I guess I don’t know.

21. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

Ans. Nothing specific. Mostly oceans, seas and pools. Huge water bodies and their… watery saline smell. Not hydrophobic.

22. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

Ans. I’m 17, i don’t drink.

23. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

Ans. Don’t be a cunt. Live and let live. Don’t interfere into other people’s lives.

24. What is your favorite expletive?

Ans. Fuck.

25. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

Ans. My plants lmao. They’re inanimate but living, i guess that counts.

26. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Ans. Tbh I very firmly believe that all of the experiences have contributed towards a good life and better handling capacity? I guess.

27. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Where would you go?

Ans. Japan or Brighton.

28. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world Who will you bring back?

Ans.No one. What’s gone is gone. I’ll try my best to not bring anyone back to life.

29. What was your last dream about?

Ans. It was a dream where I put law suits on the girls who keep messing with me.

30. Are you good listener ?

Ans. Not exactly. Depends on the person speaking.

31. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

Ans. Nope. Thank god lmao.

32. Have you ever built a snowman?

Ans. I wish i could. I’ve never seen snow.

33. What is the color of your socks?

Ans. Grey.

34. What type of music do you like?

Ans. I don’t know nothing specific.

35. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

Ans. Sunrises.

36. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

Ans. I’m lactose intolerant.

37. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

Ans. Not a fan of football.

38. Do you have any scars?

Ans. Like physically? Yes 3.

39. What do you want to be when you graduate?

Ans. Happy with my degree and satisfied.

40. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Ans.Anger management maybe.

41. Are you reliable?

Ans.Yes. If you trust me, I am.

42. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

Ans. Are you doing what you thought of doing when you were 17.

43. Do you hold grudges?

Ans.Yes.

44. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

Ans.A flying rabbit. Which flies with it ears of course.

45. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

Ans. Explaining a girl how dicks and boners work.

46. Are you a good liar?

Ans. Depends on the person.

47. How long could you go without talking?

Ans. Days.

48. What has been you worst haircut/style?

Ans. The bowl cut thingy.

49. Have you ever baked your own cake?

Ans. No.

50. Can you do any accents other than your own?

Ans.No.

51. What do you like on your toast?

Ans. Honey.

52.What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

Ans. I guess my best friend.

53. What would be you dream car?

Ans.I get motion sick. So, no dream car.

54. Do you sing in the shower?

Ans. Yes.

55. Do anything unusual in the shower?

Ans.Use my phone.

56. Do you believe in aliens?

Ans.Yes. Very much.

57. Do you often read your horoscope?

Ans.If they pop up on Instagram, yes.

58. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

Ans.K.

59. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Ans.Dragons ftw.

60. What do you think about babies?

Ans.Annoying and won’t have any.

I’d like to hear from you,

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Random // A Vacation.

I’m writing this blog at 12:42AM. I’m 17. Never in my life have a gone for a vacation. Trust me when i say this. I just haven’t. My friends and people around me, go to vacations and places every summer or whatever. I have never gone to a vacation. I feel claustrophobic and uncomfortable in my own house, in my own city. I have reached this level of saturation now. I desperately want to go out. I can’t take it anymore. I want to relax. I want a change. I cry while i write this but i just can’t anymore. I’m bored of my life. Im done with it. I don’t have grandparents i can visit to. I don’t have any native place. My life revolves around my house. This is the last vacation I’ll get in my life, a 4 month long vacation and i want to go on a vacation. Somewhere. Please take me out of this box I’ve been living in. Its a chaos, its a mess. I feel claustrophobic. I have never gone for a vacation and i don’t know if my personal life will support this as well. I’m just stuck. There’s a part of me that wants to go. But a part of me that’s scared to explore and experience. Full of “what if’s”. Paranoid. I want to get out but i can’t . I don’t know what do i do. I can’t hold on any further.

How to battle anxiety, 101.

Hey, I’m not an expert, but this is what helped me. My best friend always says, trying is good, this, was me trying and succeeding. I don’t know when my anxiety could relapse, with what intensity. But I know what to do exactly. After a month of self introspection, I finally know, how I brought my anxiety in control.

Keep track of everything that happens in the day. Keep a record. Write down memos and notes. Combine them into one book. Make anxiety metres everyday. Plan your day in detail. Have 200% control over the day, every minute, every second, according to you. Don’t be harsh, half and hour here and there is alright, but keep things in your hands. Things going out of hand may trigger your anxiety. Pickup a hobby, a pastime. No, not a kids thing. Grow plants, take care of plants. Adopt a pet, buy fishes, feed them. Take up a small, everyday responsibility which won’t interfere with your job, won’t take a lot of effort and time, just a few minutes in the day. Take hour long warm water showers. Sing in the shower as loudly as you can, have mini concerts. Go sit outside, feel the sun rays. Dry your hair in the sun while listening to music in the balcony. Don’t get into arguments. Do not fight. Verbally, mentally, even on your phone. Cut down from social media, trust me it helps. Learn new things, learn to make soup, learn to make rice, learn to make noodles. Learn from your experiences. Read a book whenever you’re travelling. Don’t be on your phone. Read a non fictional, inspiring autobiographical book. Groom yourself, not in the spa, splash water on your face quite often, brush your teeth before sleeping, clean your nails, cut them, get regular haircuts. Have salads with every meal, a cucumber with some salt goes a long way. Have fruits over chips. Listen to good songs. Upbeat, happy songs. Talk to yourself. Ask yourself about the decisions you will make. Start exercising. Don’t hit the gym, start with spot jogging and pull-ups. Stop your caffeine intake. No coffee. No coke. No cold drinks. Nothing with caffeine with it. Invest time in yourself, yet keep yourself busy. Take care of your body, the only person who needs it, is you.

Hey, and, cry. Crying is good. If you feel like crying. Cry.

I’d like to hear from you,

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Random // Anxiety.

imagine drowning
in the deep waters
swimming constantly
suffocating and surviving
here comes the wave
a big one
drowns you
leaves you breathless
you try to swim
towards the light
fight or flight
not very easy
you choose to stay
make it worse
lifeless soul in a body
surfacing through the waters
this
is my anxiety

Random // Putting down your weapons.

Are there days when you want to let everything out to your parents, but then realise how broken they’d be seeing your condition. You cry behind their backs, in your room, under your blanket, when you hear them talking shit about you and hitting your insecurities. How do I tell them that they’re the ones who gave me them. You blame them for your menttal health, low self esteem and we’ll social life to an extent. How do you explain to them, that chatting with your only friend lowers down your anxiety and is the only way out? How they’d never support your dreams but still expect you to share every single of them, only if you knew you had one. Can’t tell them you’ve been battling depression and anxiety together, they wouldn’t understand and well, rant about where them, as parents, went wrong. Maybe parents don’t know parenting, nobody taught them, nobody told them how their, smallest words, affect their child in the worst way possible.

Imagine all of this being said to you, everyday. Everyday, listening to this and you cannot reply. It’s like a war, where you’ve prepared yourself, but put your weapons down, surrender, accept the humiliation and move on.

All of you, makes a me, unfortunately.

Random // Guess who’s back.

Random 12:30AM thought.

Source

The thing is my mom doesnt understand that what I’m going through. She has a mind of a 56 year old. She forgets if she’s facing all of this, I’m too, and something she doesn’t realise I’m just 16. Where all of the kids are happy and joyful, I’m dead inside, dying, slowly, everyday. No options , no opinion, no opposition. Just going along the flow, to see where the force leads me to. Being uninterested is a part of me. I never chose being boring, I just don’t have the motivation to do something fun. 

My mom sees me, my health, my interest, deteriorating. But I see the same happening to my grandmother. Maybe she doesn’t know whom to save, a new soul or a dying soul. 

Talking about saving souls, there are times when you save yourself, but over a period of time, you just don’t want to. You except the scenario, and start living in the world. You don’t expect things to get better, and neither you want to end things. You don’t want to solve them yourself and don’t expect them to get better. You just label it as your ‘life’. A life you hope no one ever lives.

 Whilst living your ‘life’ you start helping people and understand them. Even though you know running away is never the solution, you think of suicide. But what’s worst? You don’t have the guts. You, somewhere deep below, still have that ray of light, about things getting better.

  Talking about suicide, you see new shows which show how shallow and easy to commit, suicide is. Just buy a few razors and slit your wrist. People don’t understand, it’s not easy. It’s easier to suffer. It’s easier to face. It’s easier to get affected. But it’s not easy to quit.

  The fear of suicide contributes to living a boring and monotonous life. It’s better than a 9 to 5 desk job, with better acceptance. 

  Being boring and monotonous causes you to go away and distance yourself from people, usually the fake ones. Reclusing yourself from literally everyone and going to find out the one who can light up your mood, expecting you to find someone.

  And then expectations kill reality, you’re labelled​ as a person who uses people for your own wellbeing. Ofcourse, contributing to prefer staying alone, away, from everyone. 

  And yes, family included. They have an idea about something being wrong in your life, but you can’t help in hiding the truth. You could be righteous and tell the truth, or tell them you just overslept and make them feel content. Choosing the prior seems practical.

  Hiding away your anxiety, locking yourself away in the room and sitting in a corner for hours, nothing seems to entertain you. Just a lifeless soul with a functioning exterior. 

  Sitting in your room, someone knocks.

  “I’m back”, says depression.