Random // Dead Inside.

​I still wonder how can people not see a dead person. A person dead from inside. No hopes, no goals, just going with the flow. Whenever he tried to oppose the flow, people showed him his box. “Don’t get out of this”, everyone ordered, from their imaginary boxes, which they were told to never escape. No one tried to escape, ever. Just as dead as everyone else, there came a new addition, to the so called “society”, a monotonous addition. I mean, it’s obvious to see dead people right? Pretty visible. Only if everyone knew they are better actors than Oscar winning performancea these days. They’re just people tired of living and scared of dying, they’re kinda the intermediate phase, make it or break it phase. Everyday of their life, is not a war. It’s just, the same. As it was a week, month or even a year ago. With zero motivation, they go a long mile, in doing the most beautiful thing anyone could ever do. Live. They live. Not to the fullest, but upto some extent, they do live. With a small ray of light, with a pinch of hope of things getting better eventually. Even though, they live in the box, they dream about breaking through the box. Being every stereotype, they ever hated,  passing the box, from generation to generation. Making a world of living dead people. 

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School.

I was just talking to my best friend and realised how it had been one year since I left school and started with my college. I just realised how drastically things have changed and how messed up my school life was. 

How things have changed.

I am an introverted person in real life, but yes, I did have friends in school. Well, so called friends. I just realised that I haven’t made any friend in the 13 years of my school life. At first, it felt worthless, but know it just feels perfect. I waited for the right people and got the best people. I don’t deny, I had no friends in school. I was alone and lonely. I used to spend my lunch breaks alone. I just opened my tiffin, just sat there for around 5 minutes. I used to get embarrassed when everyone had eaten their food and I was the only one eating. I used to pack it all back and put it in my bag, as if I had eaten something. I didn’t see anyone willing to be friends with me. Maybe because of my appearance? My height? I’d never know. No one liked me for some reason I’d never know. People judged me for my interests, height, stuttering, shyness and the way I was. I wasn’t into sports. Everyone played football and I never did. I just didn’t want to. It was never my Interest. I used to sit alone, in the sports room, just alone, doing nothing. Even worse, at times I’d just go to the washroom, and sit in there for like 40 minutes until the class ended. If I was lucky, there would be girls who’d play chess in the sports room. I’d catch-up with them. Which contributed to the rumour, that I was gay and a girl. Ofcourse it made no sense but it affected me as an Individual. I thought I wasn’t ‘man enough’. This made me have a really low self esteem. No guy spoke to me. People just called me off for being ‘girly’ and I was just made fun off. This made me go away from everyone. I distanced myself from everyone. I didn’t speak to people, I didn’t trust people easily. I didn’t reply to people calling me gay, but somewhere deep inside, it did affect my self esteem, alot. I became, just a sadder person overall. Here enters the hero of my story, depression. Yes, there were days I used to cry in the washrooms, I used to cry in the lunch breaks, I used to cry during the teachers taught us. But no one actually cared or saw me. I was just, invisible for some reason. Ofcourse this made me feel worse about myself. I didn’t open up to people as well, until this one time. There was this guy in my class who I never liked to be honest. But we bonded over family and how similar our lives were. We were in the 10th and we had to give this very important final examination. A few days later, we became best friends. That’s what I thought. I finally started feeling good about myself. I was really happy after a long time. I saw him drifting apart for no apparent reason. I saw him ignoring me in front of our class. I saw him avoiding me. But the stupid old me still tried really very hard to regain his attention. After all failed attempts, I just established the fact that everyone will eventually leave me, because I’m not worth it. A few months later, we had the examination that I was talking about. Comes out that he used me just for the examination. A year worth of friendship, just for an examination. I was broken again. But things got worse. People labelled me as a person who uses people. Only if they knew the truth. This is how people broke my self esteem. This is how depression hit me a year ago. This is how I learned to let go. 

I honestly don’t blame anyone for putting me through this. It just, made me a stronger person. A person aware of the possibilities and how destructive people can be. Thank you for giving me the will power and the faith, of things getting better and choosing the right people. Going against all odds and supporting the right people. More than anything, thank you for making me, me. 

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Random // Guess who’s back.

Random 12:30AM thought.

Source

The thing is my mom doesnt understand that what I’m going through. She has a mind of a 56 year old. She forgets if she’s facing all of this, I’m too, and something she doesn’t realise I’m just 16. Where all of the kids are happy and joyful, I’m dead inside, dying, slowly, everyday. No options , no opinion, no opposition. Just going along the flow, to see where the force leads me to. Being uninterested is a part of me. I never chose being boring, I just don’t have the motivation to do something fun. 

My mom sees me, my health, my interest, deteriorating. But I see the same happening to my grandmother. Maybe she doesn’t know whom to save, a new soul or a dying soul. 

Talking about saving souls, there are times when you save yourself, but over a period of time, you just don’t want to. You except the scenario, and start living in the world. You don’t expect things to get better, and neither you want to end things. You don’t want to solve them yourself and don’t expect them to get better. You just label it as your ‘life’. A life you hope no one ever lives.

 Whilst living your ‘life’ you start helping people and understand them. Even though you know running away is never the solution, you think of suicide. But what’s worst? You don’t have the guts. You, somewhere deep below, still have that ray of light, about things getting better.

  Talking about suicide, you see new shows which show how shallow and easy to commit, suicide is. Just buy a few razors and slit your wrist. People don’t understand, it’s not easy. It’s easier to suffer. It’s easier to face. It’s easier to get affected. But it’s not easy to quit.

  The fear of suicide contributes to living a boring and monotonous life. It’s better than a 9 to 5 desk job, with better acceptance. 

  Being boring and monotonous causes you to go away and distance yourself from people, usually the fake ones. Reclusing yourself from literally everyone and going to find out the one who can light up your mood, expecting you to find someone.

  And then expectations kill reality, you’re labelled​ as a person who uses people for your own wellbeing. Ofcourse, contributing to prefer staying alone, away, from everyone. 

  And yes, family included. They have an idea about something being wrong in your life, but you can’t help in hiding the truth. You could be righteous and tell the truth, or tell them you just overslept and make them feel content. Choosing the prior seems practical.

  Hiding away your anxiety, locking yourself away in the room and sitting in a corner for hours, nothing seems to entertain you. Just a lifeless soul with a functioning exterior. 

  Sitting in your room, someone knocks.

  “I’m back”, says depression.

Is AFV really funny?

Let’s not talk about how famous ‘America’s Favourite Home Videos’ is, all around the world. There’s no denial in the show being really entertaining and funny. But I’m not sure if I like the show or not. Ofcourse this is my lookout, I don’t intend on changing or influencing anyone else’s views.

The show is a great way of earning a couple of thousand dollars by uploading a video. Till the recent times, I liked the show and all the seasons. I mean who doesn’t like Tom Bergeron? But what j realised is, that about 90% of the videos shown, are about people getting hurt or injured. Ofcourse some of them are really funny and hysterical to look at. But basically we’ve been laughing on people getting hurt, laughing on others pain. I’m  sure the intention of the show wasn’t that, but I just can’t laugh at a person who got kicked it the balls by a horse, or a baby that fell from his pram. It’s not funny at times. I just feel grossed out on how petty things do people laugh upon. We don’t imagine us in their scenario and become egocentric. Once it happens to us, we feel offended if someone makes a joke out of it. It’s just that, getting injured, is not funny. But that’s what 90% of the videos are about.

Once again, I don’t intend to hurt anyone feelings or fandom.

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No means no if a woman says it. 

Disclaimer- 

I do not intend to hurt anyone by my views. It’s just something I want to get of my chest and something which is really messed up, and needs to be addressed.

So yesterday, I was seeing an Indian award show. One of the best Indian actors, Sir Amitabh Bachchan gave a speech and said something which I appreciate but i disagree too. 

A movie called, ‘Pink’ was released in India. One of the main moral of the movie was, when a woman says no, it means no. I agree, it was a movie on woman rights and empowerment. Quite a strong message portrayed in a subtle but impactful way.

I agree with women empowerment and assume all of these efforts are made to make women equal to men, and not superior. There was a time when women fought for equality in the society, which over the time has become, superiority. I don’t think feminist ever stood up for dominance, they wanted equality. 

I feel, men too have problems. Men do get raped too, don’t they? When a man says no, why isn’t considered no? Men too go under a lot of social pressure. Considering the growing feminism, men are not at all at par. No one picks up or talks about issues related to men. A man is considered to solve every problem and face every obstacle. There’s this stereotyped man, that people need to get over. 

Men don’t open up, and are presumed as the stronger section of the society. An issue doesn’t become news until a movie is made on it. Maybe that’s how people need to be Awakened. There is this called equality, which you can achieve. Feminism means, women equality​and not women dominance and male inferiority. 

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Some weird stuff.

Recently, I’ve been experiencing a lot of stuff and I’m not sure what it exactly is. I’ll not call it paranormal activity, but it has been something weird. I don’t know if you guys will read the entire of it or not, considering it’s a really long blog. But please do comment, if you’ve ever faced something like this.

A few weeks ago, I was awake at 2Am, most probably because I had to appear for an exam the next day. Around 2:30, I feel someone’s at the main door of my house, and wanted to enter the house. I checked from the window just aside the door, I didn’t see anyone. I went back to my room, considering there wasn’t anyone. After I entered my room, I felt a weird sensation, a tingling sensation, I could feel chills down my back. The temperature variably increased, I could hear someone talking to me and I could feel two spirits trying to enter my house. They wanted to enter, but something stopped them. I felt negative vibes, something bad was about to happen. I just checked everything in my house and ensured everyone was sleeping. I came back to my room, I could still feel two spirits trying to enter. I texted my best friend about this, and tried to sleep. 

I wasn’t able to sleep and just tried to close my eyes. Just as I closed my eyes, I saw two faces flash before me. These faces are familiar and were of two of my close family members. Nevertheless, I tried to sleep and dosed off for a few minutes. I saw three flashes in my dream. One of which was my house being totally empty, and all our money being stolen. The second being, fire in our house, and the third being our house’s electrical wires getting short-circuited.

 I have no idea why, but I told my mom about this the next​ day. She actually believed in the possibility of this happening. So what we did was we checked all the electrical stuff, bought a fire extinguisher, and kept just necessary amour of money and jewelry in the house.

After a few days of research, can I call it research? After Many Google searches, one of the possibility I believe in, is it being a guardian angel. I know, I don’t believe in this stuff either, but that could be a possibility. I read many articles, out of which one said, an angel could be around you, if you experience the sensations I experienced. A few days later, my best friend told me it could be my grandfather, but I’m not sure about anything, but this was really weird.

I’ve just been having really many intuitions now-a-days, which may or may not come true. I have no idea, so help me if you can, comment below. ❤️

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When I gave myself one month.

Okay as random as this gets, I’m writing this at 1:12AM, just before I should sleep. I don’t know this day has been something really special, something I wanted to happen from a really long time.(I realised what had happened while writing this blog, it’s below.) Just the fact that after so much of hardships and ups and downs, things are falling into place. I’ve been feeling really good about myself lately and I’m being supported by my family too, there were these conversations we missed having, and today, we had them. I remembered how it feels being trusted. However baseless this might seem, this is a great achievement for me, on an individual level. I wasn’t “happy” in a long time, today was the day. I don’t know whom do I thank, my best friend who never lost faith in me and always supported me. The month gone by, on the 2nd in February, I asked my best friend to tolerate me and my depression shit for one month, and give me one month to get out of it. It’s one month today. I never expected this to happen, the fact that he stood asides me for one month, where I had been miserable, just tells me a lot about him. I can’t imagine the condition I might be in if you hadn’t supported me. As cheesy as this gets, thank you for not leaving me. Even my health wasn’t doing so well in February, it’s pretty better now. 

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