Random // Guess who’s back.

Random 12:30AM thought.

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The thing is my mom doesnt understand that what I’m going through. She has a mind of a 56 year old. She forgets if she’s facing all of this, I’m too, and something she doesn’t realise I’m just 16. Where all of the kids are happy and joyful, I’m dead inside, dying, slowly, everyday. No options , no opinion, no opposition. Just going along the flow, to see where the force leads me to. Being uninterested is a part of me. I never chose being boring, I just don’t have the motivation to do something fun. 

My mom sees me, my health, my interest, deteriorating. But I see the same happening to my grandmother. Maybe she doesn’t know whom to save, a new soul or a dying soul. 

Talking about saving souls, there are times when you save yourself, but over a period of time, you just don’t want to. You except the scenario, and start living in the world. You don’t expect things to get better, and neither you want to end things. You don’t want to solve them yourself and don’t expect them to get better. You just label it as your ‘life’. A life you hope no one ever lives.

 Whilst living your ‘life’ you start helping people and understand them. Even though you know running away is never the solution, you think of suicide. But what’s worst? You don’t have the guts. You, somewhere deep below, still have that ray of light, about things getting better.

  Talking about suicide, you see new shows which show how shallow and easy to commit, suicide is. Just buy a few razors and slit your wrist. People don’t understand, it’s not easy. It’s easier to suffer. It’s easier to face. It’s easier to get affected. But it’s not easy to quit.

  The fear of suicide contributes to living a boring and monotonous life. It’s better than a 9 to 5 desk job, with better acceptance. 

  Being boring and monotonous causes you to go away and distance yourself from people, usually the fake ones. Reclusing yourself from literally everyone and going to find out the one who can light up your mood, expecting you to find someone.

  And then expectations kill reality, you’re labelled​ as a person who uses people for your own wellbeing. Ofcourse, contributing to prefer staying alone, away, from everyone. 

  And yes, family included. They have an idea about something being wrong in your life, but you can’t help in hiding the truth. You could be righteous and tell the truth, or tell them you just overslept and make them feel content. Choosing the prior seems practical.

  Hiding away your anxiety, locking yourself away in the room and sitting in a corner for hours, nothing seems to entertain you. Just a lifeless soul with a functioning exterior. 

  Sitting in your room, someone knocks.

  “I’m back”, says depression.

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Is AFV really funny?

Let’s not talk about how famous ‘America’s Favourite Home Videos’ is, all around the world. There’s no denial in the show being really entertaining and funny. But I’m not sure if I like the show or not. Ofcourse this is my lookout, I don’t intend on changing or influencing anyone else’s views.

The show is a great way of earning a couple of thousand dollars by uploading a video. Till the recent times, I liked the show and all the seasons. I mean who doesn’t like Tom Bergeron? But what j realised is, that about 90% of the videos shown, are about people getting hurt or injured. Ofcourse some of them are really funny and hysterical to look at. But basically we’ve been laughing on people getting hurt, laughing on others pain. I’m  sure the intention of the show wasn’t that, but I just can’t laugh at a person who got kicked it the balls by a horse, or a baby that fell from his pram. It’s not funny at times. I just feel grossed out on how petty things do people laugh upon. We don’t imagine us in their scenario and become egocentric. Once it happens to us, we feel offended if someone makes a joke out of it. It’s just that, getting injured, is not funny. But that’s what 90% of the videos are about.

Once again, I don’t intend to hurt anyone feelings or fandom.

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No means no if a woman says it. 

Disclaimer- 

I do not intend to hurt anyone by my views. It’s just something I want to get of my chest and something which is really messed up, and needs to be addressed.

So yesterday, I was seeing an Indian award show. One of the best Indian actors, Sir Amitabh Bachchan gave a speech and said something which I appreciate but i disagree too. 

A movie called, ‘Pink’ was released in India. One of the main moral of the movie was, when a woman says no, it means no. I agree, it was a movie on woman rights and empowerment. Quite a strong message portrayed in a subtle but impactful way.

I agree with women empowerment and assume all of these efforts are made to make women equal to men, and not superior. There was a time when women fought for equality in the society, which over the time has become, superiority. I don’t think feminist ever stood up for dominance, they wanted equality. 

I feel, men too have problems. Men do get raped too, don’t they? When a man says no, why isn’t considered no? Men too go under a lot of social pressure. Considering the growing feminism, men are not at all at par. No one picks up or talks about issues related to men. A man is considered to solve every problem and face every obstacle. There’s this stereotyped man, that people need to get over. 

Men don’t open up, and are presumed as the stronger section of the society. An issue doesn’t become news until a movie is made on it. Maybe that’s how people need to be Awakened. There is this called equality, which you can achieve. Feminism means, women equality​and not women dominance and male inferiority. 

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Some weird stuff.

Recently, I’ve been experiencing a lot of stuff and I’m not sure what it exactly is. I’ll not call it paranormal activity, but it has been something weird. I don’t know if you guys will read the entire of it or not, considering it’s a really long blog. But please do comment, if you’ve ever faced something like this.

A few weeks ago, I was awake at 2Am, most probably because I had to appear for an exam the next day. Around 2:30, I feel someone’s at the main door of my house, and wanted to enter the house. I checked from the window just aside the door, I didn’t see anyone. I went back to my room, considering there wasn’t anyone. After I entered my room, I felt a weird sensation, a tingling sensation, I could feel chills down my back. The temperature variably increased, I could hear someone talking to me and I could feel two spirits trying to enter my house. They wanted to enter, but something stopped them. I felt negative vibes, something bad was about to happen. I just checked everything in my house and ensured everyone was sleeping. I came back to my room, I could still feel two spirits trying to enter. I texted my best friend about this, and tried to sleep. 

I wasn’t able to sleep and just tried to close my eyes. Just as I closed my eyes, I saw two faces flash before me. These faces are familiar and were of two of my close family members. Nevertheless, I tried to sleep and dosed off for a few minutes. I saw three flashes in my dream. One of which was my house being totally empty, and all our money being stolen. The second being, fire in our house, and the third being our house’s electrical wires getting short-circuited.

 I have no idea why, but I told my mom about this the next​ day. She actually believed in the possibility of this happening. So what we did was we checked all the electrical stuff, bought a fire extinguisher, and kept just necessary amour of money and jewelry in the house.

After a few days of research, can I call it research? After Many Google searches, one of the possibility I believe in, is it being a guardian angel. I know, I don’t believe in this stuff either, but that could be a possibility. I read many articles, out of which one said, an angel could be around you, if you experience the sensations I experienced. A few days later, my best friend told me it could be my grandfather, but I’m not sure about anything, but this was really weird.

I’ve just been having really many intuitions now-a-days, which may or may not come true. I have no idea, so help me if you can, comment below. ❤️

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When I gave myself one month.

Okay as random as this gets, I’m writing this at 1:12AM, just before I should sleep. I don’t know this day has been something really special, something I wanted to happen from a really long time.(I realised what had happened while writing this blog, it’s below.) Just the fact that after so much of hardships and ups and downs, things are falling into place. I’ve been feeling really good about myself lately and I’m being supported by my family too, there were these conversations we missed having, and today, we had them. I remembered how it feels being trusted. However baseless this might seem, this is a great achievement for me, on an individual level. I wasn’t “happy” in a long time, today was the day. I don’t know whom do I thank, my best friend who never lost faith in me and always supported me. The month gone by, on the 2nd in February, I asked my best friend to tolerate me and my depression shit for one month, and give me one month to get out of it. It’s one month today. I never expected this to happen, the fact that he stood asides me for one month, where I had been miserable, just tells me a lot about him. I can’t imagine the condition I might be in if you hadn’t supported me. As cheesy as this gets, thank you for not leaving me. Even my health wasn’t doing so well in February, it’s pretty better now. 

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8 Things You Should Keep In Mind During Your Exams

Since the 10th standard and 12th standard boards are just around the corner, here’s a few things you shouldn’t forget. The boards being the most important exam and since you’ve been preparing for it since one year, you might expect it to be really threatening. They’re not, if you face them with the correct lookout. Yes, they do hold untmost Importance in this day and age, but it’s not a thing stressing yourself for.

1. Don’t think you haven’t studied enough

Don’t depreciate yourself. You’ve worked hard, and you’ll achieve your goal. Don’t doubt yourself or don’t get influenced by your parents or teachers. Boards are easy, and the biggest barrier people face is dreadful description their teachers and parents have given them. Just remember, don’t lose your cool and recollect a year of hardwork and sincerity. Don’t doubt your ability and self worth. 

2. Take Your Parents Along

They’ve seen you struggle and study, they’ve seen the graph of your marks. They deserve to be there with you. You’ll have a sense of support and motivation which will help you to get over anxiety and stress. Just a tight hug from them will make you forget your fears and give you the power to face them. Ofcourse, emotional support matters a lot. Don’t forget, they have been waiting to see you grow up and this is an important stage, too.

3. Don’t Be Late

There’s no legitimate reason for this, but it’s preferable to reach your exam location atleast half and hour early. Reaching late is not appropriate for such an important exam. Not only will it create a bad impression, it’ll also provocate your anxiety and stress. Being late is anyway not preferred, avoid any case of panic and do everything calmly. Don’t let anything affect your day and exam, not the traffic or a vehicle breakdown. Be early and be safe. Tag your parents along everyday, just in case.

4. Don’t Discuss Your Paper

 Preferably don’t discuss anything regarding the subject prior to the paper and anything following the paper. Don’t make yourself believe that what you’ve written is not appropriate or up to the mark. Be content with your paper and don’t doubt what you’ve written. Discussing the paper with your friends kindles doubt and creates a negative mindset for the following scheduled exam.

5. Rumours Everywhere

Don’t believe in rumours, ranging from changes in the board timetable to changes in the centre. Nothing is official until the board doesn’t make it a public news. The time period between now and the boards, you’ll hear many rumours, just refer to the official board site. Don’t believe in WhatsApp forwards and rumours. You could also contact your school/college.

6. Be prepared

Be prepared, mentally and be ready to face twist and turns and just believe in yourself. Don’t skip on your breakfast or meal, don’t go to the centre empty stomach. Create a checklist before every exam, regarding the stationary you will require for every exam and whether you have your hall ticket or not. Also, don’t forget to be very well equipped and keep many backups. In the sense, carry more than one kind of stationary, keep ready two or more of them. Pencils, pens, scales, erasers and any other stationary, remember you’ve been waiting for this day since a year. Don’t waste your opportunity.

7. The Past Is The Past

 Don’t let your previous paper ruin your following papers. What has been written is written, and can’t be changed. Don’t carry over a bad exam experience for every of your coming exam. Assure yourself, not every exam is the same and make a good comeback with the next exam, not thinking about the previous exam.

8. It’s not the end

Not performing well for an exam is not the end to the world. Things eventually workout and fall into place. Not everyone is good at studies, and at memorizing stuff. Not scoring well, doesn’t make you worthless and doesn’t imply you won’t get a good college. Don’t be disheartened, and work hard for your next exam and try to balance out the aggregate.

Don’t forget your marks don’t define you and your capabilities. You’ll see more successful people who didn’t score well in their board exams. Over a period it won’t even matter. Just don’t forget it’s just an exam, and the only person you have to prove, is yourself.

I wanted to confess something.

It’s one year, let’s put an end to this.

Yes, I know there are many negative posts and I’ve been posting my mind out, just like most of you guys told me to. I’ve been feeling really better. But I’ve decided to put an end to this misery. Let’s rise together and live healthily.

I’ve been dealing with walking depression since the last year. What I could see from the last one month, it was overpowering me. I started crying a lot, over petty issues, I started with self depreciation, I didn’t want to talk to people, I couldn’t concentrate on my work, I needed help. The last one year of mine has been miserable, yet really very good. I lost many of my ‘best friends’ and understood it was all one sided, always. I don’t know why, I’m writing all of this with the biggest smile on my face, because it’s all a phase. The correct person will come to you. I’ve got that one person in my life, and now there’s looking back. You just need to find that one person. I realised that he was the only one who I wanted to talk. We found a way out. I’ve kinda accepted my family life and problems, that is the way it’s going to be, I can’t change it. I never thought acceptance would be so difficult. 

After dealing with walking depression, I can finally say, I feel much better now. I know this is an abrupt end, but well, I don’t know what to say. 

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