I was just talking to my best friend and realised how it had been one year since I left school and started with my college. I just realised how drastically things have changed and how messed up my school life was.
How things have changed.
I am an introverted person in real life, but yes, I did have friends in school. Well, so called friends. I just realised that I haven’t made any friend in the 13 years of my school life. At first, it felt worthless, but know it just feels perfect. I waited for the right people and got the best people. I don’t deny, I had no friends in school. I was alone and lonely. I used to spend my lunch breaks alone. I just opened my tiffin, just sat there for around 5 minutes. I used to get embarrassed when everyone had eaten their food and I was the only one eating. I used to pack it all back and put it in my bag, as if I had eaten something. I didn’t see anyone willing to be friends with me. Maybe because of my appearance? My height? I’d never know. No one liked me for some reason I’d never know. People judged me for my interests, height, stuttering, shyness and the way I was. I wasn’t into sports. Everyone played football and I never did. I just didn’t want to. It was never my Interest. I used to sit alone, in the sports room, just alone, doing nothing. Even worse, at times I’d just go to the washroom, and sit in there for like 40 minutes until the class ended. If I was lucky, there would be girls who’d play chess in the sports room. I’d catch-up with them. Which contributed to the rumour, that I was gay and a girl. Ofcourse it made no sense but it affected me as an Individual. I thought I wasn’t ‘man enough’. This made me have a really low self esteem. No guy spoke to me. People just called me off for being ‘girly’ and I was just made fun off. This made me go away from everyone. I distanced myself from everyone. I didn’t speak to people, I didn’t trust people easily. I didn’t reply to people calling me gay, but somewhere deep inside, it did affect my self esteem, alot. I became, just a sadder person overall. Here enters the hero of my story, depression. Yes, there were days I used to cry in the washrooms, I used to cry in the lunch breaks, I used to cry during the teachers taught us. But no one actually cared or saw me. I was just, invisible for some reason. Ofcourse this made me feel worse about myself. I didn’t open up to people as well, until this one time. There was this guy in my class who I never liked to be honest. But we bonded over family and how similar our lives were. We were in the 10th and we had to give this very important final examination. A few days later, we became best friends. That’s what I thought. I finally started feeling good about myself. I was really happy after a long time. I saw him drifting apart for no apparent reason. I saw him ignoring me in front of our class. I saw him avoiding me. But the stupid old me still tried really very hard to regain his attention. After all failed attempts, I just established the fact that everyone will eventually leave me, because I’m not worth it. A few months later, we had the examination that I was talking about. Comes out that he used me just for the examination. A year worth of friendship, just for an examination. I was broken again. But things got worse. People labelled me as a person who uses people. Only if they knew the truth. This is how people broke my self esteem. This is how depression hit me a year ago. This is how I learned to let go.
I honestly don’t blame anyone for putting me through this. It just, made me a stronger person. A person aware of the possibilities and how destructive people can be. Thank you for giving me the will power and the faith, of things getting better and choosing the right people. Going against all odds and supporting the right people. More than anything, thank you for making me, me.
I’d like to hear from you,